THE LAST TIME I SAW MYSELF

I was searching for nothing in particular when my eyes stopped on this book I had read two years ago. The Last Time I Saw Mother, authored by Arlene Chai, is one reading material which provides insight into three cultures- Spanish, Chinese and Filipino, through the diverse yet intertwined lives of Filipino women in a certain family. Take time to read that book. Her other book, Eating Fire and Drinking Water is also pretty interesting.

And so now, I adapt the book’s title and a single line from it to voice out my current state of mind. “How many of us grow up, I wonder, to live the life we imagine.” Life today is very much confusing, for me I guess. Until now, I could not fathom what I really wanted out of my life. I never imagined myself teaching college students, but I enjoy every minute of it, well except for the extra works like recording their grades. Much more, I never imagined myself teaching in the University where I graduated. During my elementary days, I wanted to become a nun…hah! Okay…laugh. You may stop now. =) Well I was probably inspired by some Sisters in school who really acted like they were angels sent by God. I admired some of them, but later on realized that I could not live the life they are living. It requires great sacrifice on one’s part. Mother Goose, back in her college days, also thought of becoming one, but it was her best friend instead who embraced that life. Then, came the late years of grade school and the early years of high school… I wanted to become a teacher. Well, some great teachers probably inspired me this time. It never occurred to me that it was some kind of a noble profession. It just so happened that I wanted to check papers, use some red ink to comment on students’ works, and receive some gifts during Christmas or roses during Teacher’s Day. Hehehe. Come 2nd year high school, my classmates projected that I will become a doctor. Hmmm…I thought about it…why not. But really, I never imagined myself becoming one. When I was younger, I often played bahay-bahayan, tinda-tindahan, titser-titseran but not doktor-doktoran. When I was growing up, I used to cure myself because I was a pathetic sickly individual. I would have been a better quack doctor…hehehe. College days, the thought of becoming a teacher was still in mind, but a teacher in high school, because I wanted to bond with my students. College students, especially from UP freaked me out before and so I preferred to teach in high school. I don’t know what happened…I ended up teaching in college.

But what confuses me this time is what I really wanted to do. Let me see…I wanted to become a manicurista, a cashier (don’t you just love pressing those keys on the cash register), a fashion designer, a music band member, a theater artist or production designer, a writer in a magazine, a researcher in a genetic engineering laboratory, an entrepreneur…the list goes on. I wanted to try becoming all of those, but time and resources won’t permit I think…or I am thinking wrongly? I don’t know. I really don’t know where I’d be happiest. I wish someday, I’d meet someone or I’d be in a situation who/that would make me realize what I really wanted to do. I really can’t see myself right now…I am a torn individual…I am not lonely…I am more of confused. I am not really frustrated…just puzzled by what is in store for me. The last time I saw myself…I was just a young girl playing…enjoying…dreaming of what I wanted to become. Now that the time has come for me to discover and carry out my mission in life…it seems so hard to put the pieces of myself together. My image is obscure. Somebody clear me up.