Turning a year older somehow scares me…not because in a few years time, I’ll no longer find my age in the calendar, as they say. It scares the hell out of me because it reminds me of the year that had just passed by. I can’t avoid thinking if I have really done something that will lead me to the achievement of my goals or if I just wasted another year of my precious life.
During our elementary days, slum books or autograph books were in their heyday. Mine was small-sized and it had Snoopy on its cover. As I think about it now, I can’t help but wonder why even the owner signs his/her slum book. Well I don’t know if other people did it, but I am pretty sure that the first few pages were my entries. Then during break time, we would be going around asking classmates for their entries as well—“Pa-sign?”
Usually, you have three pages to answer in that slum book. The 1st page is for questions requiring as a matter-of-fact answers like: name, nickname, birthday, zodiac sign and a couple of your favorites (color, music, TV program, movies, actors, food). The n in the 2nd page, it gets more personal, asking you questions like: “Describe yourself.”, “Who is your first crush?”, “Who is your first kiss?”, “Define love.”, “What is your most embarrassing moment?”, “What is your motto?”, “What is your ambition?”, “Who do you want to be with in heaven?” Then the 3rd page of course is the dedication page, with matching photo of from your friend who signed the slum book.
When I answered those questions before, I wasn’t really thinking. Who the hell cares if you write “MTM” (many to mention) when asked for your favorite food…or when you reply “judge me” when asked for a description of yourself, or if you define love as a rosary…full of mystery? Nyaha! It was just thrilling to answer those questions, letting other people know your insights as well…very shallow insights. Well, what do you expect from an 10- year old then? I didn’t even wonder what heaven is being talked about in the last question above. Nyaha! Probably, the only serious answer I had was “live life to its best/fullest” or “live life as if it’s your last” when asked for my motto.
After 10 years or so, it dawned on me that the questions in the pambatang slum book are actually difficult to answer and require some careful thought. The only serious answer I had “live life to its best/fullest” even bothers me right now. It was only now that I have realized that I actually didn’t know how to go about with that. How do you actually do that given the different constraints in your life? The underlying fact is that life is so short, you never know when yours is going to end. Last week my block mates and I just realized this, and it is so sad to think that even at a young age, when everything is going on well with your life, suddenly it had to be cut short. And so having realized that life is indeed short, all of a sudden you have the energy and inspiration to do all the things you want. Problem is either you lack the resources to do them or it’s not really feasible to do the things you want that will make you happy all at the same time. Another problem lies in the fact that you cannot do just about anything pleasurable especially if it’s done at the expense of other people. So, living one’s life to its best is actually very difficult to do.
What now? Should I change my motto then? Hopefully when somebody in the future asks me “pa-sign” my answers would be well thought of. Those were not kiddie questions after all. It is actually more apt to answer those questions at that point in your life when you have a variety of experiences and expectantly you are a whole lot wiser. The slum book will serve as the summary of your existence in this world.
Well I still want to live by my kiddie motto which now serves as let’s say guiding principle. We have different means of maximizing our existence. In the end, it’s still all up to us. At times life never seems to be the way we want it, but we live it the best way we can…
